25. How do I resolve the differences between my spouse and I on the subject of raising our ADHD child?

25.1. It is common for you and your spouse to have different opinions on bringing up your ADHD child. One parent will be stricter than the other.

25.2. The greater the differences in opinion, the greater the conflict you and your spouse are likely to have in bringing up the ADHD child:

• Research on delinquent children has shown that strict or lenient parenting bears little correlation to delinquency rates
  
• The same research also indicates that what really matters is whether the child felt loved or cared for; Those children who do not feel loved or cared for have a much higher chance of being delinquent
• Parents should thus not argue too much on whether the other parent is too lenient or strict, but should focus on ensuring that the ADHD child feels loved and cared for.
  

25.3. It is important to do the following to reduce the conflicts between you and your spouse:

• Discuss the differences in opinion in bringing up the ADHD child when the child is not around
  
• Agree on the acceptable behaviours and the consequence(s) of unacceptable behaviour
  
• Spend some time together with your spouse (without the ADHD child) to strengthen the bond between you and your spouse.
  

25.4. It is also common for you and your spouse to feel drained looking after the ADHD child. This is likely to make it difficult to discuss and agree on the way to raise the ADHD child. The following are possible solutions:

• Agree to disagree on certain areas, but present a common front to the ADHD child so that the ADHD child will not manipulate the differences between the parents to get away with some wrong-doing
  
• Seek the help of an independent 3rd party that both you and your spouse can trust to mediate on the differences (e.g. family counsellor at Child Guidance Clinic at Health Promotion Board)
  

25.5. It is not uncommon for one or both of the parents of the ADHD child to be very "stubborn" in his / her views making it almost impossible to have any conciliatory views on bringing up the child:

• In such cases, the patience and perseverance of the other parent is required
• Parents with "special children" face higher risks in ending up in a divorce, especially when conciliatory views on bringing up the child cannot be agreed upon
  
• Marital counselling is usually required in such a situation to prevent the marriage from breaking-up (which may also prove difficult, as one of the parents may not agree to the counselling session).
  

25.6. Looking after the ADHD child is a very demanding task and parents must be careful to put in sufficient effort to sustain the relationship with their spouse. Ultimately the ADHD child will suffer more if his / her parents are not handling their conflicts well.